I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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