I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Text me some of your sweat
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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