Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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