I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
