you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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