God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
