so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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