Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
