all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
