If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
