I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
