my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I smell like Dick and happiness
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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