She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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