I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
