Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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