i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
