"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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