he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We need to get me chipped asap
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
