what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
what is it with giant penises always finding me
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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