The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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