just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
