i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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