Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
