sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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