I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
