As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
