It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I lost the right to judge tonight
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
