it was like his penis was on wheels.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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