Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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