After last night, I could never be a politician.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
