ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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