My brain says no but my pants say off.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Hippo gnu deer
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
