So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
