I'm lost and stupid without you.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
