Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
