someone threw a dead crab at me
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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