theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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