I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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