i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize