Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
my poor anus
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
