chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
