my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
