wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
