He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
