i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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