I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize