If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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