Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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