Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
