I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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