I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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