someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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