I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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