I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
