Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize