Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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