remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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