My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You are the jesus of drinking
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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