the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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