last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
