Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
