I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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