I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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